Monday, April 30

chuck norris is my homeboy

chuck norris has been the topic of many conversations lately... out of boredom, here are a few of my favorites, in no particular order:
  1. chuck norris' tears cure cancer. too bad he has never cried.
  2. when the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for chuck norris.
  3. chuck norris has already been to mars; that's why there's no sign of life there.
  4. chuck norris knows exactly where carmen sandiego is.
  5. chuck norris can touch mc hammer.
  6. chuck norris is luke skywalker's real father.
  7. chuck norris is the reason waldo is hiding.
  8. some kids piss their name in snow. chuck norris can piss his name in concrete
  9. chuck norris can speak braille.
  10. once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of chuck norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. we now know this truck as optimus prime.
  11. chuck norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  12. chuck norris doesn't sleep. he waits.
  13. chuck norris can slam revolving doors.
  14. chuck norris can delete the recycling bin.
  15. chuck norris can build a snowman out of rain.
  16. chuck norris once finished the song that never ends
  17. guns dont' kill people. chuck norris kills people.
  18. there is no theory of evolution. just a list of animals chuck norris allows to live.
  19. chuck norris doesn't get wet. the water gets norris.
  20. chuck norris doesn't bowel strikes. he just hits one and the others faint.

ok, i'd say 20 is enough. what are your favorites?

Saturday, April 28

roses are red, dead computers are blue...

i haven't "blogged" in a while. mostly cuz i just never got around to doing it, but also cuz my computer has been having issues. that's right, the blue screen of death.

if you haven't experienced the blue screen of death you're a lucky person... that or not a computer killer. i am a computer killer. i have gotten the blue screen of death MANY times.

"blue screen of death"

its scary when it happens. "beginning dump of physical memory" who's idea was it to have uneducated computer users like myself read that. microsoft (or whoever decided this) idiots! you read that you panic! and what happens when you panic? instant pushing of the power button. The funny thing is, it says that if its the first time you've seen this screen to restart - but i do it EVERY TIME! read instructions... psh, squirrel please!

lessons learned...
  1. don't let me use your computer, i might kill it. i've killed my own computer 5 times and my office computer is beginning to show symptoms.
  2. have a friend who knows how to fix computers... preferably one who has copious amounts of illegal software, i mean who wants a computer without microsoft office? more so, who wants to PAY for office?
  3. computers suck, but sooooooo bored without one
  4. the blue screen of death is bluffing

Tuesday, February 20

i scream you scream, we all scream for...

i just at a stupid amount of ice cream and feel rather gross... but that feeling will pass, sooner than later, and by tomorrow i'll be craving ice cream again. i dunno why i love it so much, or why i haven't gotten sick of it... i mean, i worked in an ice cream shop for a year and a half and ate well more than my share then... i managed to become sick of waffle cones (i've only had 2 since i stopped working at sara's 6 years ago) but never the good stuff that goes in them!

so here's what i've learned over the years about my favorite dairy treat...

1) this might be the most important thing i've learned... I DO NOT LIKE WHEN MY ICE CREAM STARTS MELTING! for similar reasons as to why i don't like drool, i hate melting ice cream. it needs to be firm - hard even. extra cold if possible.

2) despite what you might think, having so much experience in this field, i do not have a favorite flavor... more so flavor moods. Some times i crave fruity, other times sweet and chocolate-y. licorice flavor ALWAYS sucks, as does green tea, wasabi and bubble gum (only because they put those cheap-ass mini chiclets in there and they're always stale, the ice cream itself is3 ok, but the stale gum that isn't enough to chew anyways is what sucks nuts for crack!)

3) ice cream is good anytime of day... yes even breakfast... ice cream on waffles or pancakes? need i say more.

4) ice cream and cereal... see point #3. I recommend reese puffs or rice crispies - the crunch mixed with the creaminess, mmmmmmmmm

5) theres more, but one thing sums it up - ice cream is the best stuff on earth. if i were lactose intollerant i think i might have to shoot, no stab, myself. life just wouldn't be worth living.

what a waste...

so when i'm old and grey i might be obese from this stuff, possibly diabetic, but at least i wont require my teeth to eat it. ice cream is my guilty pleasure, never can i say no to it.

Thursday, January 25

girls are stupid

Its been said before, and i haven't ever totally agreed, but i definitely don't disagree totally either, but, GIRLS ARE STUPID!

why? well that all depends on who you ask. If you ask my buddy gus, you'll get a whole whack of stuff that, as a girl, you don't want to hear because you'll get paranoid and never trust another man in your life. (Gus i love you, you're a great friend, one of the best, BUT, you can't date any of my friends).

Pants! Pants make girls stupid! But oh, not just any pants, lululemon pants. I mean, what other pants would make hundreds (i'm not kidding - HUNDREDS) of supposedly smart women line up around 3 city blocks at 6:30am in -20 degree weather!

don't we all want our asses to look ridiculously amazing? I think so. For that reason i too am a stupid girl. So lululemon was having another warehouse sale in toronto, and it had been 2 years in the waiting. Madness. Luon-butt-shapening-yoga-pant-hungry bitches everywhere! Here was the plan:

1. go to the sample sale on the morning of the first day, cuz ppl will be working and it'll be the best time to get the line at its shortest point, cuz it will just get long through the day... i was soooo wrong in soooooooo many ways with that idea.

The line went around 2 corners in the morning when i got there.... later in the afternoon it was less than 1/2 of what it was in the morning. So basically i wasted the morning (and yes, i'm saying morning/afternoon - I WAS THERE THAT LONG!)

2. doors opened at 10. So i'd be in line by 9:30. My buddy ryan was gunna meet me at 11:30, so 2 hours would be plenty of time to get near the door and me and him can just go in shortly after. Again, soooooooooooooooooooo wrong.

2 hours. HA! try 5! That's right. 5 hours in -20 weather. no food. no heat. nuthin. just standing on the street side with my feet so cold i thought they were going to shatter with ever step. I wanted to give up soooooooooo many times, but then the dumb voice in my head was like "well you've made it this far, just wait, just a bit longer and you'll be in...." riiiiiiiiight.

3. buy a couple tops. Well if i was wrong with the first two, why not make it 3!

well now i just had to justify my day. A skirt, 2 dresses, crop pants, long pants and short shorts later i was finally out and on my way to live a real life. Soooooooooooo stupid. waste how many hours to save a buck or two? but you end up spending more than you wanted? You know what's the dumbest part? I know its dumb? but what do i do about it? nuthin.

Oh the joys of being a girl

Friday, January 19

april showers bring may flowers

Is it just me, or does anyone else out there just not feel like showering sometimes. Not because you don't want to get clean, but cuz it seems so useless at times.

Take last night. Got home at 11:30 after playing some volleyball. Then comes the age-old dilemma after working out: eat or shower? Well, for me, eating ALWAYS wins. So i eat. but then showering seems like such an onerous task. I rather just go to bed, especially since i know that early the next day, before i even have to see people i'm going to work out again, then have to shower again.

I did shower. I'm not dirty, i do shower daily - but i'm not saying that i don't find it a chore! But its funny, the times i find it the hardest to make my self get in there are the days i don't want to get out. Cuz lets face it, once your in, its nice, but getting in is the battle. I like HOT showers, with good pressure. A cold shower with low pressure? I'd rather not shower at all. Last night i just stood in the shower for 10 minutes before i even touch the soap.

Right now my hair smells like Herbal Essence shampoo - always a plus. I think showering for me is like going to the gym. Sometimes i'm sooooooooooo lazy i just rather not do it, but once i do, i like it. I dunno, maybe i'm weird that way.

Thursday, January 4

Life, bajan style

"on an island in the sun..."

This is a brief account of my life, bajan style (not a new cooking method or diet... well maybe a bit of a new diet), for the past two weeks.

So we landed late, at about 7:30 in the morning. First few things i noticed - flat, like Toronto, but far from grey. Lots of lush green trees and plants all over the place. It was humid and noticeably warm, but not unbearable. It wasn't like leaving the airport in the dead of summer in Toronto or Miami, i didn't start sweating on the spot.

I'm by no means racist but black people, lots of black people. It's not like i've never been in a place where i was a minority (ever go to Richmond?), I knew to expect that (Chris had told me, even tho all of his many friends that i met from there are white... maybe he's the racist... seriously, just kidding), but i have never been in a place where blacks are the majority so it just seemed odd... i dunno why, but that oddness only lasted about a day.

Then we drove home, on the other side of the road with the steering wheel on the otherside of the car. I never got used to left turns for the whole trip... my stomach would always drop when the car would move and i'd see a car coming in the lane i thought we were going to. Don't think you can say "driving on the other side of the road can't be hard, its easy" cuz its not. All i had to do was pull the right-hand drive car into the driveway and i was disorientated, i couldn't judge where the car was, didn't know which shoulder to look over, it was a mess. And even tho its a small island, you drive everywhere. Why? because the streets are so damn small. NARROW. SUPER MODEL SKINNY! Cars come form the opposite way and you just think "there's no way we can both fit", most of the time, somehow, you do, but on the occasion some one had to stop and let the other person through. Honking, lots of honking. But not Toronto honking, friendly honking.

AHHH! He's on the wrong side!

I wouldn't dare walk anywhere in fear of getting knocked off the road. We went around some curves hugging the side wall - I mean hugging! if my arm were handing out the window along side the car the skin on my forearm would have been left on the wall. Chris liked to pretend that he was a rally car driver, sliding through the turns, that made me squirm sometimes but not as much as when we went through hugging the curves. And of course, all this is done FAST! I wouldn't recommend driving there unless you're fearless or stupid.

This is your standard 2-lane road. pot holes, lots!

There's also no such thing as a designated driver. Nor is there such thing as a breathalyser. That and the fact that you can buy beer, rum, vodka, gin, whatever at the grocery store or gas station makes easy to see that everyone drives home drunk. And its ok. Socially accepted. And they make it home ok, driving 40 km/h down the windy skinny roads. Don't try to argue it, just accept the skillz.

They know how to party down there. Clubs, pay a flat rate to get in, equivalent to about 25$ canadian, and drink all you want all night (well until 3am, after that you gotta pay. but if you get there at 11 and drink til 3 i'd say you're good to go). Guinness, Smirnoff Ice, mixed drinks, beer, rum punch (be careful with the rum punch), whatever you want. The music is hard (good). The atmosphere is even harder (wicked-awesome). Harbour Lights: The club is outside, basically its a big house with a big backyard that backs onto the beach. Palm trees are all lit up, benches and tables, it really has a good feel - and you can buy food! They even have an annual party on Christmas eve, go there dressed in Red and White. So after Christmas eve church service everyone heads over there to be hungover Christmas day. Its tradition. Its standard. Friday before the wedding we're all going to Harbour Lights, be there.

another day at the beach

Boxing day no one shops, nothing is open, but they lime (more drinking). Boxing day morning an email goes out, i dunno how they know who to send the email to, telling everyone which beach/hill the lime is going to take place. You get there and there are a couple thousand people of all ages with lawn chairs and coolers, tents with live bands, big speakers, DJ music and port-a-potties. Everyone just has a good time enjoying the view, slapping some doms. Like at the cluband christmas eve, people get real drunk. Good times.

boxing day festivities

new year's (or old year's as they call it down there)

In addition to drinking nuff (that means lots!) we spent a lot of time at the beach. GORGEOUS gorgeous beaches. The beaches are incredible. No stinky seaweed smell and crystal clear water. The water isn't hot or cold, just nice. When you go in your don't want to get o
ut. The water is soft and refreshing. Depending on your mood you can go to a clam beach with basically no waves and just relax and float, a rougher beach with bigger waves that keep you on your toes so that you don't get your face planted in the sand, or beaches with even bigger waves if you wanted to go surfing.

calm beach

rougher waters

i have a palm tree fetish

Tanning was great because you never got too hot. You never got too hot anytime because there was this constant breeze. The weather was very comfortable. I didn't quite reach black-ness status, so operation race change will have to wait another day. I could go on with more, but this is long and i'm tired of sitting here.... Trust me, a beautiful place and a great time, you'll have to just check it out for yourself. Barbados anyone?

Saturday, December 16

squirrel please!

squirrels are wicked-awesome animals. Wicked-Awesome! This time of year is great for squirrels cuz they're FAT. This got me thinking (interesting how fat squirrels are what make a civil engineering graduate student think)... Every one knows that squirrels eat nuts - BUT WHERE ARE ALL THE NUTS! What i mean is, how many nut trees have you seen down town Toronto? So, squirrels have to eat more than just nuts. I know they eat all the crap people feed them, like bagels, and muffins, and oat-fudge-squares from starbucks, but did you know they eat grass? True story, i saw it. A big fat squirrel with a huge tuff of grass in its mouth. I dunno if its that they all eat grass, or just this guy, cuz he was extra fat, perhaps a heifer of the squirrel world. So maybe he just ate anything. He was still cute.

You know what else is cute? when they pat the ground as they burry their nuts (or other morcles of food with i doubt are actually nuts). I also like how they hop around to get from place to place. I want a pet squirrel, but they do make weird angry bird noises.

I had my chance to get a pet squirrel the other day. I saw him (or her) in Queens park. He would hop, hop, hop - then tip over. He never moved more than about a meter and a half, hop hop hop tip over. And i don't mean that he just fell, he actually tipped over, always on the left side, like a cut tree falling. It was sooooooooo funny looking. So of course i went closer to check this dude out. A woman had given him a piece of toast and he was trying to carry it away but wasn't getting far. But even once he tipped over he didn't give up on the bread, so tipped over on his side he would keep chewing at it. He was obviously hurt, but determined. I was able to get about a foot away from him and i just wanted to pick him up and take him home. He woulda bitten me tho. So no go. When i got to close
he would make himself get up and he moved over a bit, no tipping over, just sitting and chewing away - but not for long. Just sitting there chewing HE TIPPED OVER AGAIN. I was gunna die laughing. I'm bad, laughing at the poor squirrels expense. I wish i got a video, the best i could do was this picture from my cell phone.

i hope he enjoyed that toast.